Entertainment Tonight
by DharmaMotorPool
Summary: The characters of Lost in an exclusive ET interview. Early season 3; Jacket vs. Jate, plus a few surprises. Shamelessly ridiculous.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Sooo…all I can say about this is that I was in an _extremely_ goofy mood last night. This was the result. _Painfully_ out of character, ridiculously crazy, and absolutely nonsensical…but all in all, I think it's rather fun. Hope you enjoy! :)

Tonight on ET: We're talking to Oceanic 815 crash survivor Jack Shephard about his "relationship" with the Island's sexiest Other, blonde bombshell Juliet Burke.

**ET**: So we've heard whispers that there's something between you and Juliet. Is there any truth to that?

**Jack**: What? Who whispered that? Was it Michael? I bet it was Michael. Dumbass. [pauses] Oh shit, they haven't killed him off yet. Oops! Sorry.

**ET**: Spoiler alert!

**Jack**: [laughs] Yeahhh…well anyway, there's nothing going on between me and Juliet, that's _ridiculous_. [chuckles nervously] I mean, she's an _Other_, and I'm the leader of the Losties! Live together, die alone! [overly-enthusiastic fist pump, clearly compensating for something]

**ET**: So you're telling us there's absolutely no reason for anyone to 'ship Jacket?

**Jack**: Don't be silly, a Jacket is something you wear. [laughs] No, no, nothing going on there, not a thing.

**ET**: Are you a homosexual, Dr. Shephard?

**Jack**: Excuse me?

**ET**: Well you'd have to be, wouldn't you, if you're not interested in her…

**Jack**: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am _not_ gay! I—

**ET**: What about our sources that say they saw you necking with Ben Linus?

**Jack**: Are you _kidding_ me?

**ET**: Yes. [laughs] So if you're not gay, and you're not interested in Juliet—

**Jack**: Who ever said I wasn't _interested_ in her? I just said there was nothing going on…yet. I mean, uhh… [whistles]

**ET**: So there's nothing going on, but you want there to be?

**Jack**: I didn't say that, either…

**Juliet**: Can I just say something?

**ET**: Well! Looks like we've got a surprise guest, everyone! Hello, Dr. Burke.

**Juliet**: Hello. Excuse me for interrupting, but I really feel like I need to clarify a few things, here.

**ET**: Clarify away, doctor.

**Jack**: [swoons]

**Juliet**: Well first of all, I can assure you that Jack here is _not_ gay, nor was he ever necking with Ben Linus, though I can't say for sure that _Ben_ wouldn't enjoy that.

**ET and Jack:** [giggle]

**Juliet**: Anywayyy, as I was saying, there is _clearly_ something between Jack and I. He's just in denial right now because of _her_, but I have it on good authority that THAT won't last long… [insert evil laugh]

**ET**: Could you elaborate on that?

**Juliet**: Not without getting fired. Lemme just give you a hint: Austen. Ford. Cages. [smirks, then shrugs] Then Jack can be all mine and we can make lots of gorgeous, brilliant babies with great hair and a complex with fixing everything… [smiles and stares day-dreamily into space]

**Kate**: [defiantly, as a child] Ex-cuuuuse me! [crosses arms]

**ET**: Oh hello, miss Austen! Juliet just mentioned something about you and Sawyer in the polar bear cages…is there anything you can tell us?

**Kate**: Uh, NO. Haven't you heard? I love _Jack_ this week. Hmph. [turns up nose and looks away]

**ET**: But you wouldn't turn down a quick roll in the hay with the Island's own con man, would you?

**Kate**: [pauses, as if thinking about it] Well, if you held a _gun_ to my head…

**Juliet**: [mutters] Whore.

**Kate**: WHAT did you just call me?

**Juliet**: [dripping with sarcasm] Like you didn't hear me, 12-year-old. [rolls eyes]

**Kate**: You're just jealous, bitch.

**Juliet**: Why, because you're a criminal with a Peter Pan complex? Don't make me laugh.

**Kate**: No, because every man on the island wants ME. [sticks out tongue]

**Juliet**: [laughs] Excuse me, have you MET Ben? The man's so in love with me that he's been basically holding me hostage for three years, [slightly bitter tone] AND he had my boyfriend killed off. And then, of course, there's Jack, here, who so obviously wants me even though he's trying to hide it… [gazes longingly at Jack]

**Kate**: Jack doesn't want _you_! We're soul mates! Well, I mean, unless Sawyer's my soul mate…maybe I should sleep with him, just to make sure.

**Juliet**: Eww! Where's my taser? I need my taser!

**Kate**: Please, I could take you anytime.

**Juliet**: Bring it on!

**ET**: Jack, what do you say about all this? Who do you want, Kate or Juliet?

**Jack**: Hey, if the two of them wanna duke it out with a little mud-wrestling, I'm not gonna stand in their way…

**Juliet**: [hushed voice] No, no, that's not 'til later in the season!

**Jack**: Oops again. Spoiler alert!

**Juliet**: ANYWAY. It's obvious who Jack wants. _Freckles_ here is just oblivious.

**Sawyer**: Hey! Nobody gets to call her that but me.

**ET**: Well this evening's just full of surprises, isn't it…

**Sawyer**: C'mon, Freckles, let's go fornicate already. The "Skaters" are gettin' restless.

**Kate**: [scrunches nose] No thanks, Sawyer.

**Sawyer**: [exasperated sigh] Fine! I'll just wait in the cages 'til you change your mind again.

**Juliet**: [pulls out taser excitedly] I found it! [pulls trigger and tases Kate] Oops. [giggles, as it obviously wasn't a mistake]

**Kate**: [falls on floor and jerks around unconvincingly]

**ET**: …did that really hurt?

**Juliet**: Nah, but usually they're more convincing about faking it…and you'd think she's had enough practice faking it, wouldn't you?

**ET and audience:** Ooooh…

**Kate**: [sits up and scoffs defiantly] I don't ever _have_ to fake it, so I wouldn't know!

**Juliet, Jack, Sawyer, ET, and audience:** [rolls eyes]

**Juliet**: That was about as unconvincing as your little seizure, there.

**Sawyer**: She wouldn't have to fake it with _me_… [grins proudly]

**Kate**: Yeah? Why don't we test that theory… [giggles flirtatiously]

**Jack**: Hey, wait! I thought you loved _me_ this week!

**Kate**: [shrugs] A girl's entitled to change her mind.

**Juliet**: Not every five minutes, whore.

**Kate**: Who asked you?

**Juliet**: Don't worry, Jack, I'm not a flip-flopper like _some_ people…

**Jack**: [grins]

**Ben**: Ahem! She is _mine_, thank you very much.

**Juliet**: [disgusted face] Ew! Who invited _you_ here?

**Ben**: I don't need an _invitation_, Juliet, I am the ruler of this island!

**Juliet**: …uh, no you're not.

**Ben**: Yeah, well, I have a god complex, okay? Not unlike a certain spinal surgeon…you seem to fancy _him_ just fine…

**Juliet**: _He's_ not a 40 year old virgin with bug eyes.

**Ben**: [bug eyes widen tremendously]

**Sawyer**: [bursts out laughing] HA HA! She gotcha there, creepo!

**Juliet**: [smiles proudly]

**Kate**: [tugs at Sawyer's sleeve] Pay attention to _ME!_ [pouts]

**ET**: This is getting more interesting by the minute…so Ben, is it true you're a virgin?

**Ben**: [freezes] …no! I have a _daughter!_

**Juliet**: Pff! Where's that DNA test I ran…? [arches eyebrow]

**Ben**: Can it, Burke! [glares]

**Juliet**: Is that any way to speak to the woman you _looooove?_ [laughs]

**Jack**: Let's get outta here, Juliet. The virgin's creeping me out.

**Juliet**: Yeah! You up for a grilled cheese?

**Jack**: With toothpicks? [grins]

**Juliet**: Absolutely.

[Juliet and Jack exit, Ben and Kate look on jealously, arms crossed]

**Sawyer**: What now, Freckles, flip-floppin' _again?_

**Kate**: Maaaybe…

**Sawyer**: Women… [shakes head and walks off]

**Kate**: Sawyer, waaait! I think I still wanna sleep with you! [chases after him]

**Ben**: …well, looks like it's just us…

**ET**: Yeahhh, about that…oh my god, it's the smoke monster!

**Ben**: What? [turns around in fear, nothing is there] Heeeyyy, wait a minute… [turns back around to find himself alone] Damn it, why are people always _doing_ that to me?

-Scene-


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is all Audrey's (LornaCat's) fault. Blame her. That is all. ^_^ (Just kidding, I love you, wifey) But **_**anyway**_**, this chapter WAS inspired by her – and by Callian Winston, the tiny green stuffed octopus she sent me – so it really is her fault. But apparently she's alright with that. Ahem. SO, Cal and Gillian from Lie to Me invade the interview this time, and…well, craziness ensues. If you don't watch Lie to Me…you should. But you'll still understand this fic, I think. Enjoy! **

_x x x_

**ET**: We're back with the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 and their Island buddies—

**Jack **[interrupts]: Whoa, whoa, wait just a minute. Let me clarify: Ben Linus is _not_ our buddy.

**Juliet** [shakes head]: Definitely not.

**ET**: Well, we've got a few questions about that, Dr. Burke…and to assist us in finding the truth, we've brought in some specialists in lie detection, Dr. Cal Lightman and Dr. Gillian Foster. Together, they run the Lightman Group, which is a company devoted to uncovering the truth by reading people's facial expressions and body language. Human lie detectors, if you will.

**Sawyer**: Son of a bitch.

**Cal**: Right, so…they want us to ask you some questions. Don't get excited, yeah? Just be honest. I know that might not be the strong suit for a lot of ya, but, ya know, do yah best.

**Kate**: [giggles]

**Cal**: What are you laughing at, Miss I'm-a-wanted-felon? What? Thought I didn't know about that?

**Juliet**: [giggles]

**Cal** [to Juliet]: Right, so we'll start with you. What's your name, love?

**Juliet**: Juliet Burke.

**Cal**: Burke, eh? That your married name?

**Juliet**: [slight facial twitch]

**Cal**: Don't like your husband much, do ya?

**Juliet** [very calmly]: _Ex_-husband.

**Cal**: Of course he is. Real sod, I bet. Am I right on that? [slight pause] Yeah I am. So…tell me, doctah…'ow did you come to be on the island?

**Juliet**: [looks over at Ben, glares]

**Gillian**: That's deep-seeded contempt. So Mr. Linus brought you to the island against your will? Or kept you on the island against your will…[pause] So he kept you. For how long?

**Juliet**: Three years now.

**Gillian**: And are you still loyal to him?

**Juliet**: [flashes anger]

**Cal**: That's a yes, but…you don't wanna be, do you, love.

**Juliet**: [swallows]

**Gillian**: Swallowing. That's a sign of strong emotion—

**Sawyer**: [giggles]

**Cal**: Oh get your mind outta the guttah, will ya?

**Sawyer**: What? Your lady's the one throwin' innuendos at me…[to Gillian] How's it goin', sweetheart? [grins]

**Gillian**: [shifts uncomfortably, awkward smile]

**Cal**: Oi! You stay away from her, you hear me?

**Sawyer**: Ooh, did I strike a nerve, there, Queen Elizabeth? You want her, don'cha? You want her bad, but she don't want you…[mockingly] am I right on that? [smirks]

**Cal**: I'm the one readin' faces here. Bugger off.

**Sawyer**: Know what I think?

**Cal**: I don't really care.

**Sawyer** [continues anyway]: I think you're just a big ole British chicken. I think you're too scared ta tell her you want her or to do anything about it.

**Cal**: That so? Then why aren't you doin' anything about the woman _you_ want?

**Sawyer**: I've already been with her. [nods toward Kate, look of disgust]

**Cal**: I'm not talkin' about Jailbird Barbie…I'm talkin' about _her_. [looks at Juliet]

**Sawyer**: [flashes surprised expression followed by lust]

**Cal**: See that? Pupils dilated, can't stop starin' at her…you want her bad, but she doesn't want you…[grins, then turns to Juliet] Or do you, love?

**Juliet**: [flashes surprise] I…

**Ben**: What is this, the Love Connection? Get on with it!

**Cal**: Oh, see now that's jealousy, that is. Dangerous emotion. Drives people to do a lotta crazy things…like _murder_, even.

**Ben**: [bug-eyes widen] I'll shut up now.

**Cal**: That's the most brilliant thing I've heard all day.

[Juliet and Sawyer exchange longing looks, which do not go unnoticed by Jack, Kate, Cal, and Gillian.]

**ET**: WELL, now that we're irreversibly off-topic…

**Cal** [snaps back to reality after staring at Gillian]: Oh, right. Well, Dr. Burke, they wanted me to determine where your loyalties lie, but even in goin' off-topic, I feel like I've answered that. How good am I? [grins proudly]

**Gillian**: [clears throat]

**Cal**: Couldn't have done it without you, love, as usual. [smiles affectionately]

**Sawyer**: Oh just go get a room, already, Romeo.

**Cal**: Why? You're the one who's got the hots for Juliet.

**Sawyer**: [flashes surprise, then shrugs in resignation] Whattaya say, sweetheart? [looks at Juliet, grins]

**Juliet**: [giggles and nods]

**Sawyer**: Alrighty, then. [smirks and lifts her into his arms, carrying her off.]

**Ben, Jack, and Kate**: [mouths agape in shock]

**Cal**: Well now that that's settled…any more lies you want me to get to the bottom of?

**Kate** [raises hand]: Ooh, me, me, pick me!

**Cal** [rolls eyes]: Yes, Katherine?

**Kate**: Does Jack love me?

**Cal** [rolls eyes again, then looks at Jack, who gives a slight shake of his head]: Nope. Next question?

**Kate**: [pouts]

**Locke**: Is Jack really a man of science or a man of faith?

**Cal**: Well, he's a doctah, right? So, there's that. Also the fact that he's starin' daggers into you right now, leads me to believe he's not very keen on you or your teachings, am I right? Yeah. _But_, I think he's doubtin' all that, cause…well, out in the jungle, what with all the death and smoke monstahs an' all that, it's not easy to pin that on pure science, innit? So. Anything else before I pack it in? Gill and I have a hot date to get to.

**Gillian**: We do?

**Cal**: Oh, did I forget ta mention that, love? Sorry. You wanna go on a hot date with me, then?

**Gillian** [giggles]: I thought you'd never ask.

**Cal**: Right, then. Must be shovin' off. Pleasure meetin' you all…[glances at Kate and Ben]…well, most of ya. Laters!

[Cal takes Gillian's hand and they sail off together on a yacht.]

**Jack**: What the…where did _that_ come from?

**Locke**: Those two weren't meant to be here, Jack. The Island didn't need them, so they were able to go.

**Jack**: Oh shut up.

-Scene-


End file.
